i wish my dog liked me.
i don’t know what happened. i can feel everyone slipping away. the sand is dropping, one grain at a time, and I’m drowning in anticipation.
i told my therapist that i felt like my brain was slower. physically slower. id being able to explain the science better if i paid attention in AP psych.
i can feel myself struggling to think sometimes. i don’t even drink. why am i so muddled. why are my thoughts slurred. why can’t i put together a coherent thought. why can’t i understand why I’m so doomed. i don’t know what’s wrong.
this isn’t even a good piece of writing. a long time ago i convinced myself i was an excellent writer. mostly because i wasn’t excellent at anything. anything at all.
i need a friend back. any friend back. i need to feel less alone, trapped in my own skull. i want to be excellent, but i fear i can’t even be average if i’m doing it on my own.
i rewatched interstellar recently, and Matt Damon’s character was driven insane by isolation and ego. i fear a similar fate awaits me.
not even my dog likes me. that means, according to my constant calculations, i’m alone. i used to treasure isolation. and now it’s my overwhelmingly tragic reality.
I’m drowning and i’m alone and i’m scared and i’m not even sad. I’m not sick. i’m not anything i used to be. I’m normal. i sit here being a normal human being every day. save for the fact that i’m so mind numbingly slow and blindingly alone.
i wake up every night from a recurring nightmare: failure. i wake with a start, like i’m remembering a time at war. nothing bad has happened yet and yet the waiting is worse than any possibility. i’m scared that something bad is going to happen and i’ll be alone. i’m so fucking scared that i’m not going to make it and i’m going to be alone.
i love everyone so much. i don’t know if i’m too blind to see them loving me back, or if i’ve just been too sparing with my expression of it, but i want to undo the mistakes that led me here. it’s driving me insane.
i’m so normal. i’m so scared. i’m so alone. id love to have at least my dog be my friend.
