no one talks about how painful it is to be unlovable. i don’t even know if i’m capable of love. the moment someone gets close, i push them away so they don’t have to have the burden of leaving. call it people-pleasing. it hurts to know that the only reason i’m alone is because i’m more work. i’m willing to do the work to keep me around, but that’s because leaving myself is more… complicated. moving on is so difficult when the alternative is just being alone. with myself. and we all know how much work that is. but you moved on quickly. everyone does. because you all have such swell alternatives. i give good hugs. i buy people things with my father’s money. i give rides. i give up time and energy to make sure people are ok. i don’t keep a tab on how long i’m texting you into the hours of the night. all the brain power that this meaningly gossip is taking up. because if it’s important to you, i’ll replace the quadratic formula in a heartbeat. negative b plus or minus something or the other. what’s important is you’re anxious for the fourth time today. i can help. how can i help? what can i do. me me me. you. me and you. were so good.
“i wanna be your favorite boy”
i’m no one’s favorite. everyone is my favorite. if you’re replacing my tear stricken reflection then you’re my favorite. maybe that’s why people are always saying that i “switch up” quickly. it’s not that. it’s just that… if i’m talking to you, i want you to feel like the most special person in the world. if i’m with four people, if i’m addressing you, you are my world. you are all that matters. i turn and see my other world. i’m surrounded by a universe of black holes. i pour myself into each of you. until i’m emptier than i started. i’m obsessive and paranoid and clingy. hold me.
“i still wanna be your favorite boy”
yours. i wanna be yours. anyone’s. i’m not picky. whoever will have me. being alone is so distracting. if i had people i would be too busy taking care of them to take care of myself but having no one means i have no one to take care of because i truly am a non entity. the only time i pay myself any attention is to silence myself with pain so i don’t speak up and cause myself too much bother. be poised and quiet. be quiet. just sitting in a seat that could be occupied by someone more deserving (anyone else) is too loud, even if i’m the only driver.
i was too inexperienced to do this. is it too late to take it back? i want to wait until you’re sick of me so i’m not in pain, i just resent you for hating me for hating myself for hating everything. i love everyone but myself and everyone else.
“still lately i begin to shake for no reason at all”
for no reason at all. except for this bursting dam inside me begging to be released but not having a single goddamn “safe space” my ass. i’m so alone. and i always will be. because i love my own self-hatred too much to let anyone distract me from it. i miss you. i miss the way you liked how quiet i was. i miss the way you didn’t care. i miss caring, knowing you wouldn’t return my texts. i miss you.
